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Not Quite the VFW
Copyright © 2002, Jacquelyn Priskorn

Synopsis
Veterans of Community Theatre tell theatre stories.

Original Production: Heartlande Theater Co., Auburn Hills, MI, May 3, 2003
Directed by Greg Trzaskoma

Characters
FIDDLER: the typical leader (Joseph Haynes)

CAT: the sultry southern belle (Sara Wolf)

MAC: the freak (Joe Colosi)

MICHAELSON: the straightman? (Christopher Williams)

Second Production: Hillsdale Community Theatre, Hillsdale, MI, May 20-23, 2004
Directed by Peggy Youngs

Fiddler: Ben Judson
Cat: Shannon Overland
Mac: Travis Roderick
Michaelson: Mark Nussbaum


MICHAELSON
So, uh, what goes on at the old VCT hall?

FIDDLER
VCT is just a safe place for us veterans of community theatre to bond. A place to meet friends who share a common interest. A place where you can find someone who will truly listen to your old theatre stories.

CAT
It is so nice to have fresh blood here!

MAC
I once played Hamlet as a gay, albino—

FIDDLER
Easy, Mac! We don't want to scare Michaelson off! Let's hear one of his stories first.

MICHAELSON
Mine? Oh. Ok... Well... Oh! On closing night of Grease... (He starts giggling.) ...someone threw... (giggles) ...it was during the "Hand Jive," right?... (giggles) ...and someone threw... (laughter) ...a rubber chicken on stage!

He laughs uproariously. Veterans are silent.

CAT
What a... charming story.

MAC
My dance partner wet her pants during "The Shipoopi."

FIDDLER
Wait your turn, Mac.

MICHAELSON
A rubber chicken... I guess you had to be there.

FIDDLER
Oh, no. It's a classic. Rubber chicken. Very funny.

CAT
Yes, yes.

MICHAELSON
I laughed.

CAT
Who wouldn't? It was a rubber chicken, right?

MICHAELSON
You guys have better stories?

CAT
Theatre is so subjective, dear Michaelson. I wouldn't say they were better...

FIDDLER
It's like comparing Simon to Sophocles.

All laugh. Michaelson is clueless.

MAC
My sister once played Juliet to my Romeo.

CAT
Mac, save the big stories for the Fourth of July picnic. Fiddler, tell your Tevye story.

FIDDLER
Ooo! I'd be delighted! Now, this is probably way before your time in community theatre, Michaelson. I was doing Fiddler on the Roof in Clarkston. Clarkston is a very artistic community. Very high brow. It was my third time playing Tevye there and the Clarkston news had hailed me in the past as "A True Delight" and "Funny." So, as you can see I had a lot to live up to there.

MICHAELSON
Yes, I see.

FIDDLER
Of course, the new cast members looked up to me. One particularly bright, but untrained actor approached me and asked, "Fiddler, how can I be as funny as you?" I told him, "Fyedka is not a comic role." And of course, I was right. The play was a huge success. We sold out both nights. And do you know who that young, untrained actor was?

MICHAELSON
No.

FIDDLER
I called him "Sparky," but you know him today as "Eminem."

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